More thoughts...

I’m a sucker for the romantic and the idealistic and everything that brings light and goodness into this world. I say a ‘sucker’ because it’s not the trendy or normal way of poetry these days. It seems that way to me at least when so much of the art I witness in the dark rooms below coffee shops is so broken and twisted…hurtful.
I saw a lady at work today who was young and pregnant and wearing a little red jumpsuit. She came in with her mother I guess and described, with the brightest face, how they were together to paint her coming baby’s room. I shared in her excitement and imagined the joy that she must be bringing her husband.
It’s a theme that’s been coming up a lot with me lately. Pregnancy, and the absolute ecstasy it must bring. I thought again about my youth and my parents and how happy I remember everyone being.
I told my dad for the first time in I don’t know how long that I admired him. I talked with friends about it the other night and how my friend, at 22 years old, should never have had to stand up to his dad almost to the point of blows. Over the way his father was treating his mother. I have my own demons of that sort but not to that extent. We talked about it and my friend sat there with this look of detachment. As if he was tired of being ashamed of his dad and tired of being hurt by it.
I understood him that night better than I had before and we talked about who we were because of these experiences and how they’ve caused us to grow so much more completely than we would have otherwise. After a while I just smiled about it all because it’s alright now…completely alright, and it has been so only by the complete grace of God. I love my father very much. And I love his wife who kissed me affectionately for the first time since I met her.
I’m going to hurt someone and disappoint them too some day. It’s a part of life and, in some ways, a beautiful part because I’m a broken person too. An imperfect person who is unstable at times and doesn’t do things the right way. I don’t do the things that are expected of me and usually have very little desire to.
I’m walking my own road, as cliché as that sounds, and I’m learning and becoming who I think God wants me to be. I drink too much and smoke too much sometimes for example, but I’ve seen the most beautiful moments between friends come at those same times and I wonder at how God uses the broken and the confusing moments of life to reveal truth and goodness to the point that sometimes I don’t see how it could be otherwise.
I slept poorly last night and woke up sensitive and frustrated and shed a tear over a movie that I had seen a number of times before. I was discontent and far from feeling the peace I always desire. But seeing that lady today with her swollen stomach and shining smile put things into perspective again. Life is good and always will be.